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ONE
+ ONE
By
Phil Mellows
INT.
ON A TRAIN. DAY
A youngish MAN and a youngish WOMAN are sitting next to each other on
the Thameslink City Flier. Man is nearest the window. Woman holds a pen
and notebook and is counting a list in the notebook. We watch them from
the facing seat.
WOMAN (under her breath)
…96
…97 …98
Man
leans across and quickly licks woman’s ear.
WOMAN (loudly and angrily without looking up)
Ninety-nine!
(continues under her breath)
…100 …101 …102
The
train goes into a tunnel, the light dims and the loud rumbling drowns
the counting. Man inspects himself in the darkened window and pulls
faces.
The
train emerges from the tunnel and woman stops counting, leans back and
sighs.
MAN
How many?
WOMAN
A hundred and twelve.
MAN
A hundred and twelve! That’s more than last
time.
WOMAN
We keep thinking of more people.
MAN
Does that include Aunt Doris?
WOMAN (flipping back through the pages of the notebook)
Ummm… yes.
MAN (looks deadly serious and shakes his
head)
Aunt Doris is 94. We have to be realistic.
WOMAN (scratching out a name)
A hundred and eleven.
EXT.
A CRAZY GOLF COURSE. DAY
From
the promenade we watch man and woman playing crazy golf on a grey and
windy seafront. They wear matching red cagoules. Woman misses her putt,
steps round to the other side and finally holes out. Man is keeping
score.
MAN
Seven.
WOMAN
Six.
MAN
Seven!
WOMAN
Six!
INT.
ON A TRAIN. DAY
We
continue to watch the man and woman from the opposite seat. A MOTHER is
now sitting in the seat immediately behind man and woman, grappling with
a TODDLER. He has close-cropped hair and wears a single earring in his
right ear and a miniature Arsenal football shirt. A streak of dried snot
stains his upper lip. He keeps lunging over towards us, trying to grab
the notebook. Man and woman don‘t seem to notice.
MAN
A hundred and eleven. That’s unlucky.
WOMAN
It’s unlucky all right. The room only holds 60.
EXT.
A CRAZY GOLF COURSE. DAY.
We
have moved in closer. Woman putts out on the final hole, jumps up and
down waving her club in triumph, picks the ball out of the hole and
throws it into the sea as if it’s the crowd on the 18th
green at St Andrews. Man looks on unimpressed with arms folded.
MAN
You’ll have to pay for that.
WOMAN (looking around to see if anyone is watching)
Not me!
She
hands him her club, jumps over the wall and runs off. Benused man
watches her go then looks from one club to the other.
EXT.
A BUS STOP. DAY
It
is drizzling. Man and woman are sharing an umbrella but don’t look at
each other. From across the street we see several other miserable people
in the queue including the mother and the toddler. The toddler is trying
to escape from a push-chair but is strapped in.
MAN
In cricket if a team’s on 111 something terrible happens.
WOMAN
We’ll have to start again.
MAN
Like somebody gets out. One eye, one arm, one…what was it?
WOMAN
Go through the whole list from the top.
MAN
Nelson.
WOMAN
You can’t have any more of your mates.
EXT.
A FAIRGROUND. DAY
Man
and woman are sitting in a rollercoaster car which is slowing rising up
the track then levels. They are holding hands and gazing into each
other’s eyes, oblivious to what’s going on around them.
They
continue in their loving pose as the car drops precipitously out of the
frame on its way down the track.
INT.
THE TOP DECK OF A BUS. DAY
Man
and woman are sitting side by side in a seat a couple of rows behind us.
Woman is holding the pen and notebook. It’s raining outside.
WOMAN
Betty and Fred.
MAN (excitedly)
Ah! Now! Who are they?
WOMAN
They’re my mum and dad.
Toddler
jumps up onto the seat between us and man and woman and lunges towards
us.
EXT.
A PROMENADE. DAY
Close-up
of man and woman sitting on a bench facing the sea. It’s cold and
windy and they’re wearing their cagoules. Woman holds notebook and
pen. Man is licking an ice-cream.
WOMAN
Uncle Simon and Aunt Fenella.
MAN
Your posh bastard relations.
WOMAN
They had us to their’s. Remember all that free champagne?
MAN
Haven’t they divorced yet?
WOMAN
They’re staying together. For the sake of the
dog.
INT.
SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.
Man
and woman are rising towards us on an escalator in a shopping centre.
Woman is reading from the notebook.
MAN
We could always go for a stand-up buffet.
WOMAN
A finger buffet.
MAN
We could get more in that way.
EXT.
A SEA SHORE. DAY
From
the promenade we see man and woman walking along an otherwise deserted
beach, holding hands. The sea laps at their feet, causing them to hop
out of the way. The sun is shining.
MAN
Are we having champagne then?
INT.
A SUPERMARKET. DAY
Woman
and man are walking towards us along an aisle. He is struggling with a
wonky-wheeled trolley containing a six-pack of canned Stella, three
litres of bag-in-box valpollicella and a tub of Sour Cream ’n’ Chive
Pringles. She is wandering along behind him reading the notebook. In the
far distance toddler is pulling things off a shelf as his mother tries
to stop him.
WOMAN
Rowena plus one.
MAN
Is Rowena the one with the funny hand?
WOMAN
You’re thinking of Sue. Rowena’s from aerobics.
MAN (lasciviously)
Ah, Rowena!
WOMAN
Sue would have problems with a finger buffet.
MAN
Who’s Rowena’s plus one then?
WOMAN
Could be anybody. You know Rowena.
Man
grins. He loses control of the trolley which clips some jars of pesto
off the shelf.
MOTHER (shrieking distantly)
Keanu!
EXT.
A SEA SHORE. DAY
Man
and woman continue walking along the beach, which is now very crowded
with people sun-bathing, throwing beach balls, running into the sea etc.
MAN
How about sherry? Sherry’s nice. Very underrated.
INT.
A SUPERMARKET. DAY
Man
and woman are standing in the check-out queue. Man is pushing trolley in
front. It now also contains a huge pack of toilet rolls and many ready
meals. Woman is standing behind him. In the queue beyond them we see the
toddler trying to crawl back up the moving conveyor belt.
MAN
A stand-up finger buffet. I don‘t know. It
wouldn’t be right.
WOMAN
We could get more in.
MAN
But it’s our wedding.
WOMAN
There’s no rules about sitting down.
MAN
I know, but…
WOMAN
We have to be realistic.
Man
turns round to look at woman but she has spotted a celebrity magazine in
the rack by the till, picks it up and leafs through it idly.
INT.
A PUB. EVENING
Man
and woman are sitting side by side facing us in a window-seat. Both have
half-full pints in front of them. Woman is reading from the notebook.
WOMAN
Ron plus one. Who’s Ron?
MAN
You know Ron. The little bloke with the hair.
Goes in the Pigeons. He’s best mates with John.
We can’t have John without Ron.
WOMAN
So who’s his plus one?
MAN
He might want to bring someone.
WOMAN
If it’s the Ron I’m thinking of, it’ll probably
be his bookmaker.
MAN (leaning across to point in the notebook)
He’s already down there look. Trevor plus one.
EXT.
FAIRGROUND. DAY
Man
and woman are in a rollercoaster car which is flying down the track.
They have their arms in the air and are screaming, lost in the thrill of
the moment.
INT.
A PUB. EVENING.
Man
and woman are holding hands in the window-seat but are gazing in
opposite directions.
WOMAN (after a long silence)
Vol-au-vents. What are they all about?
INT.
A SITTING ROOM. NIGHT
Man
and woman are sitting facing us in the dark on a settee watching
television, they are lit by a flickering blue light from the screen.
MAN (staring at screen)
I knew a footballer’s wife once. (Drinks from a
can of beer.)
INT.
A PUB. EVENING
Man
and woman are playing darts. Woman throws darts towards us, missing the
board every time but concentrating harder and harder at hitting the
target. Man in standing behind her with a worried look on his face. We
hear the first dart hit the wall and clatter to the floor.
MAN
Are you sure your cousin Russell isn’t going to
start a fight?
WOMAN
Oh, probably.
Second
dart hits the floor.
MAN
We can exclude him on that basis. Violent conduct likely to cause a breach of the peace. Make it a general rule so he doesn’t think we’re singling him out.
WOMAN (as third dart lands on the floor)
Great! Then we can lose your grandmother too.
INT.
SITTING ROOM. NIGHT
Man
and woman are still on the settee watching television. Man is looking in
a dictionary.
MAN
Here you go. Vol-au-vent. Literally, “flight in
the wind”.
WOMAN (raising an eyebrow, still watching the screen.)
Good god.
INT.
A PUB. EVENING.
Man
and woman are still in the window-seat but now both are on their mobile
phones, talking animatedly and laughing. We can’t hear what they are
saying above the background noise of the pub.
INT.
LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.
Man
and woman are on the settee in front of a noisy programme on the
television. It sounds like there’s a war going on. Man is reading the
dictionary as if it is a novel.
WOMAN
There’s a world out there we know nothing about.
Man
nods gravely and continues reading.
EXT.
ON THE VOLKS RAILWAY. DAY
Man
and woman face us, huddled on an uncomfortable wooden seat, wearing red
cagoules. Woman holds notebook and pen. It is raining.
WOMAN (reading from notebook)
David and Sarah.
MAN
Ah. Better make that David plus one.
WOMAN
What’s happened to Sarah?
MAN
She’s out of the picture.
WOMAN
They’ve split up?
MAN
As good as.
WOMAN
David’s got another woman?
MAN
Another man actually.
WOMAN (writing)
David plus one. And Sarah?
MAN
Better make it Sarah plus one.
WOMAN
Her as well?
MAN
No. Well, I don’t know. But she’ll look lonely
there on her own.
WOMAN (frustrated)
But if we have David plus one and Sarah plus one that means we’ve doubled the numbers. We can’t do it. We just can’t do it.
MAN (calm)
Unless everyone stands up.
Cut
to long shot of the Volks Railway trundling along beside the beach.
We continue to watch as it slowly wanders off into the far distance.
The
End
July
7, 2004
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